Puttin’ the Poutine in Putin (or vice-versa)

Putin with poutine

Putin with poutine

I am fully aware that this Putin/Poutine business has already been covered in various corners of the internets. Everything on the internet has been done before, a truism almost as obvious as everything in real life already happened on Seinfeld — although I don’t think either Putin or poutine ever appeared there.* In fact, the venerable William Safire addressed the Putin/Poutine etymology nearly nine years ago in the New York Times – read that for a thoroughly awesome explanation of pronunciation, derivation, etc.  Despite that, it’s all been on my mind lately thanks to current events and so here we go again.

* Ukraine did, during the famous Risk game episode, see below – at the time it was THE Ukraine.

Similarities between Putin and Poutine:
Originated in cold northern climates
Can be deceptively photogenic
Not currently available in Wheaton
Bad for you

Differences between Putin and Poutine:
Poutine is warm, Putin is cold
Putin wrestles bears, poutine wrestles your digestive tract
Poutine is swathed in delicious gravy, Putin is swathed in expensive suits and cheap rhetoric
Poutine has never worked for KGB
I wish poutine were available in Wheaton
I wish I had a nice big plate of poutine right now
When we say “poutine” we emphasize the “teen”; when we say “Putin” we emphasize the “poo”

When an intrepid Québécois journalist asked Putin a couple of weeks ago if he liked poutine, this was his reported response:

No, I do not like poutine
I do not like it, you Canadieeen!

I would not like it in my dacha
I would not like it with sriracha
I would not like it with kefir
Not even chased down with a beer

I would not like it at Bolshoi
I would not like it with Tolstoy
Not at sunrise, not at sunset
I would not like it, Нет Нет Нет

Not in Murmansk nor Lake Baikal
I do not like poutine at all
Not in Kremlin, not in Red Square
I would not like it anywhere!

No, not in an osteria
I would not like it in Crimea
I would not..…wait, I’m getting ideas.  Let’s try it in Crimea…

[private helicopter to Crimea]


Heyyyy, I do like poutine in Crimea!  This Crimea place is niiiiice.  Say, Ukraine, you don’t really need your Crimea, do you?  No?  Xорошо, I think I’ll just hold onto it for a while…


2 responses to “Puttin’ the Poutine in Putin (or vice-versa)

  1. My vote for best “Good Eatin Wheaton” column ever.
    Theodore Giesel would be proud.
    Putin might be poutin
    But Horton would be snortin

  2. Why thank you, Senior Me. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent.

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