Hey looky, it’s April. The snows have melted (FINALLY!!!), the grasses are sprouting, the birds are chirping and we can’t stand it BRING US THE BIRDS BRING US THE BIRDS come closer birdies we will have our way with you — yeah, you better fly away. Cowards.
Anyway, here’s a restaurant most of you will probably never get to visit, and we have to say, you’re really missing out, because most of the meals around here are pretty great. And we live in the restaurant, how cool is that? We have all the fishez all the time. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep. Winning.
We would describe the decor, but we can’t really be bothered; there are plenty of soft places to sit (and nap), and windows to gaze out of, and that’s about it.
Ah, but the food, the food. For starters, there’s a 24-hour buffet in one of the cozy corner rooms, featuring tiny crunchy dark brown balls of salmony stuff. Not our favorite edible, maybe, but it’s nice to be able to graze whenever, and we have built trust with the Staff by not constantly gobbling it all up. That trust will come in handy later once the blueprints are finished and the Device is ready for total global domination.
Then we get big soft serve main dish portions for breakfast and dinner, plus sometimes for snacks during the day, at least on those days when the Staff don’t maddeningly disappear through the giant portal for most of the daylight hours. Sometimes we have to remind them about the snacks — we are not shy about reminding. Sometimes we even have to remind them about breakfast, especially when they sometimes do not arise to feed us as soon as the first rays of sun bless our bedroom windows. Really, service is our biggest complaint — it’s friendly enough, but the pacing can be really slow and inconsistent. Should we really have to ask for seconds EVERY NIGHT? No, we are NOT finished, you may NOT take the plate away! Get it together, people.
Back to the food. The soft serve is great, especially the salmon, which we get nearly every day and of which we will never tire; we also like the beef and sometimes the shredded chicken/beef combo. The crucial element is the sauce: we like lots of juicy sauce, and the meats must be cubed (or sometimes shredded) — once in a while the Staff try to give us pâté and we HATE pâté. Gross. The kitchen can be kind of dictatorial, my pâté or the highway, but luckily they mostly give us what we want.
Usually the soft food is accompanied by a side of dried shaved bonito (hanakatsuo) flakes, imported from Japan, a deliciously salty counterpoint to the savory main course. There’s nothing like a tuna-salmon combo, tell you what. Sometimes we even get a big fluffy bowl full of nothing but bonito. Love that stuff. We don’t think there’s MSG or heroin in it, but who knows.
Best of all is our nightly Salmon Time. This is when we parade into the sunroom singing the Salmon Time song (“Salmon Time/oh, it’s Salmon Time/Salmon Time/Hooray for Salmon Time”), and one of the Staff doles out chunks of freeze-dried wild-caught Alaskan salmon. “Dried to a delicate purrfection” says the package label, and while we do not appreciate puns, we do appreciate these nightly chunks of crunchy fishy goodness.
Once in a while, for dessert, we might get to lick the back of someone’s ice cream spoon, or more likely we’ll just get leftovers. The Staff also brings us “room service” to the bedroom in case we get the midnight munchies — and let’s be honest, we get the midnight munchies EVERY NIGHT. In the end, while the service around here isn’t perfect, the Staff do try hard, and sometimes are able to learn from their mistakes, and ultimately we’re pretty well fed.
Which is lucky for those birdies out there, because if we were hungrier we would have to go hunt them down. Instead we just hang out indoors, eating the foods and developing the blueprints and OWNING THE INTERNETS. Perhaps you were already aware that the internet is for cats?
All your internets (and fishez) are belong to us.